Are you dating an emotionally unavailable man who isn´t willing to commit or take the relationship to the next level? In this blog post you will learn how to deal with him.
There are different types of Emotionally Unavailable Men (EUM) and the level of difficulty in dealing with them varies. Some EUMs are workable while others are absolutely unworkable.
But there´s one common denominator in all of them — they are not willing to commit or to take the relationship to the next level. They prefer to keep the relationship casual or undefined.
Some emotionally unavailable men are upfront about it. You would hear them say, “I´m not ready for a relationship”, or “I don´t believe in marriage/I don´t have plans of settling down”, or something to that effect.
When an EUM is upfront, many women refuse to take what he´s saying at face value. These women resort to taking on a mission: I will make you love me. Or I will make you commit to me.
On the other hand, some emotionally unavailable men are afraid to be upfront about their emotional inavailability and instead choose to mislead you.
They´re afraid to lose the “goodies” of a relationship so they´ll tell you something like, “We´ll get there when we´ll get there.” or “Let´s just see where this relationship will take us.”
I would personally take the upfront EUM anytime. At least I can move on right away without wasting anymore time in his games.
But if what you got is a deceiving EUM, pay attention to his actions. You can spot his inavailability if you keep your eyes open, thus saving yourself an enourmous amount of time and heartache.
The first step to successfully deal with an emotionally unavailable man is to identify the signs (or red flags) and then ask yourself these very serious questions:
- Is your EUM aware of his issues?
- Is he willing to grow and work on his issues?
- Are you patient enough to help him grow and wait until he commits to you?
- Are you willing to risk your precious time — we´re talking years, even a decade here — time that you will never get back?
- Are you willing to risk your heart if after giving yourself and your life to this man he still would never commit to you?
Being honest to yourself when reflecting on the above questions is crucial because more often than not, emotionally unavailable men are a waste of time.
Let that sink in … more often than not, emotionally unavailable men are a waste of time.
In fact, I would encourage you to stop attracting EUMs. But that will take an entire separate blog post.
You could be wasting your prime years on an on-and-off relationship that is going nowhere.
If getting married and having (legitimate) children are what you want in life, then seriously consider the risks of getting involved with an EUM.
A Perfect Example
Irina Shayk is a perfect example of a woman who attracts emotionally unavailable men. She dumped an emotionally available man for another emotionally unavailable man. Christiano Ronaldo proposed to her and yet declared to the public that he´s too young to marry, he wasn´t ready to marry Irina.
She went on to get involve with Bradley Cooper, someone with a less than impressive dating/relationship history.
Irina gave Cooper a wonderful baby girl, played wifey and built home with him all the while thinking and trusting that he´d marry her and that they´d settle as a legitimate family.
Instead, what she reaped was a publicly humiliating situation following the public furore of the Star is Born.
Despite it all, what´s very admirable about Irina Shayk is her ability to get real on what´s going on in her relationship and then having enough courage and self-respect to walk away from someone who can´t give her what she truly wants in a relationship.
How I wished this is true to all women.
But the reality is many women take five years to over a decade to finally open their eyes and walk away from an emotionally unavailable man.
Better late than never, you may think, yet being past their prime — in terms of conceiving and having babies, their youth and their beauty — is a sad reality that they´ll have to deal with for the rest of their lives.
Even if there are some emotionally unavailable men that are workable, my advise to you is: Proceed with caution.
As the saying goes, Action speaks louder than words. He may promise you the moon but if his actions don´t coincide with what he´s saying, then you may be dealing with an EUM.
- He does not make you his priority. You come second to his career, his mother, or another woman.
- He´s quick to get intimate with you.
- He treats you like a booty call.
- He ghosts you, only to reappear again out of nowhere (especially if he needs a fix).
- He strings you around — either by promising commitment or giving you hopes that you´ll get married someday — but those promises never happen.
- He pulls away every time you two get close.
- He disrespects you — privately or publicly humiliates you, or rampantly disregards your feelings.
- He doesn´t make the move to take your relationship to the next level. Maybe he´s shy. Maybe he´s unavailable. Maybe he´s married. Or maybe he´s just not interested in having a committed relationship with you.
- He tells you that he´s not ready for a relationship (if you´re keen on getting into a serious relationship) or he doesn´t believe in marriage (if you´re looking to settle down).
- He hardly tells you “I love you” even if you´ve been steady for months or years!
- He´s too focused on his status or appearance to others and treats you like a trophy.
- He´s a commitment phobe. When you mention commitment he clams up, changes the subject, gets nervous or picks a fight.
- He´s reluctant to act like you´re a couple when you are with friends or out in public.
- He likes to enjoy all the “goodies” of a relationship without having to deal with the emotional components that go into a long-term, committed relationship.
- You´re in an on-and-off relationship with him. Every time you break up with him, he comes back with more promises in order to get you back. But he never keeps his words.
When he shows you who he is the first time, believe him.
If he says he´s not ready for a relationship or doesn´t believe in marriage, believe him.
If his actions show you that you are not his priority, believe him.
Since emotionally unavailable men come in different shapes and forms, the way to deal with them is on a case-to-case basis.
a. The new guy who just wants to sleep with you.
If he tells you upfront that he´s not looking for a serious relationship but wants to date you casually (and maybe see where it goes), take his words at face value.
He is not interested in pursuing a meaningful relationship with you. He just wants to bang you.
Because you are genuinely a high-value woman, you don´t entertain men who just wants you as a booty call.
Say something like, “Hey, don´t worry. I´m not planning to have a relationship with you either. I´m only interested in something that can lead to a meaningful relationship.”
After that, drop him from your orbit.
Don´t make the mistake of giving him your body while hoping that he may change his mind. He won´t. If anything, the fact that you agree to be his booty call only seals the deal for him.
b. The guy you thought was “the One” but refuses to step up.
If it´s already several months or over a year that you´re in an exclusive relationship with him and you noticed that he´s not taking the step to take your relationship to the next level or you sensed that he´s afraid of commitment, gently guide him to have a serious talk.
Ask him what´s his goals for this relationship and where does he see himself or the two of you in the next few years.
Listen carefully to his answer. No blaming. No nagging.
If his answer is something that you´re not happy with, it´s time to re-evaluate this relationship.
Are you willing to wait five to ten years with no guarantee of commitment? Are you willing to risk your life goals?
If you´re thirty-five years old and you want to have children, are you ready to adopt? Or are you willing to have children fathered by this EUM out of wedlock?
Remember that there are many good and available men out there who will love to have you and commit to you. You don´t have to settle for a relationship that does not and cannot fulfill your love goals.
Have a back-up plan.
In my soon-to-launch Glee Tribe we will uncover the ways to spot different games that emotionally unavailable men play from the very start. This will safeguard you from getting involved with someone who will only waste your time, energy and feelings.
You will also learn how to use a program that automatically screens out EUMS and players.
Emotional unavailable men have deep-seated issues which require intensive therapy.
Unless he acknowledges that he has commitment issue and he is willing to seek theraphy, there is nothing you can do to change him. Even if you yourself are a therapist.