What are the effective first date tips for women that will solve this “many first dates, no second date” problem? How do you get a second date with a guy?
Lots of first dates but very few second dates?
Here´s the brutal truth for many women — it´s easier to get asked out for a first date than to get a second date with a guy.
Why is that?
Take for example my reader named Grace. She´s sent me an email asking, “How do I get more second dates? I´ve been to many awesome first dates but I rarely get asked out for a second date.”
Grace isn´t alone. Other women are trying to find answers too.
I personally know someone who finally got back to dating after years of focusing on her responsibilities as a single mom. She has a decent number of first dates.
She gets excited after a first date and eagerly waits for the guy to text her and ask her out for a second date. But it doesn´t happen. Exhausted from days of waiting she´ll pick up the phone and text the guy. But she still doesn´t get a second date.
I myself had experience going to first dates which didn´t go anywhere. Not getting a second date from a guy is a hurtful and disappointing experience, especially if you really like him and you look forward to getting to know him more.
So let´s iron this thing straight, shall we, ladies?
What are the effective first date tips for women that will solve this problem? How do you get a second date with a guy?
1. Set the right goal for your first date.
When you go out with a guy for a first date, what´s your goal?
- A. To allow a man to discover the real you.
- B. To allow yourself to discover the real him.
So what´s your answer?
The correct answer is none of the above. You can´t discover the real him nor can he discover the real you on a first date.
It takes many, many more dates to get to know each other better.
Thus, the right goal for your first date is to get him to want a second date with you. That´s it.
Come to think of it, if you aren´t gonna get a second date, a third date, and more dates with a guy, how can you possibly, truly know the real him?
A first date isn´t the time to get to know the real him. It´s the time to show him that you´re interesting and to create chemistry with him so that he´ll ask for a second date with you.
Having that in mind, you´ll now focus your attention on how to have a successful, enjoyable first date that will get you a second date with a guy.
When it comes to having a successful first date, preparation is key.
You don´t want to get stressed on the day of the date because that will surely affect your mood.
What are the things that can make you stressed? Is it not knowing what to wear? Cleaning and vacuming your car at the last minute? Not knowing how to get to that restaurant?
These seems like trivial things that can be easily overlooked. But trivial things do matter if they are to ruin your day. So make sure to prepare ahead.
3. Look the Part.
It´s always a good idea to choose a feminine outfit for a date — a dress or a skirt, a bright color or a printed one. But look the part.
A suit is for a business meeting, not for a date.
Choose an outfit that is appropriate to the venue, girly, comfortable, and sexy.
If you´re opting for trousers as a date outfit, make sure to add feminine details to the look through a bright top, girly prints, ruffles or bow.
For an outfit to be comfortable, it should be something that you´ve already worn. You know that it makes you feel confident and allows you to move. That goes both for your clothing and shoes.
Never buy a new dress, top, or shoes for a date. If a date doesn´t turn out well, that piece of apparel will likely get stashed in the back of your closet, never to be touched again, because you´ve associated a negative feeling to it.
Wearing a new apparel or shoe is risky because you haven´t tested it before. A date is not the time to test it.
Look sexy but elegant.
When choosing an outfit, always put elegance above anything.
You can look elegant even in a casual outfit. If you´re not sure how to do that, start with “less is more“.
Accentuate one asset at a time. If you´re wearing a sleeveless to show your arms, cover your thighs. If you decide to go leggy, cover your shoulders and arms.
Avoid overly fitting clothes that leave nothing to the imagination.
Don´t wear deep necklines if you want him to concentrate on you and not on getting a peek of your nipples. Oh, sure. You got them wrapped in packing tapes but, how does a guy know?
Avoid short, short mini skirts. You don´t want to blind him with those accidental flashes. Not elegant.
Wear your hair down, if possible. Create volume and a bit of waves, if you can. Your hair will come handy when it´s time to flirt. Plus men just love the sight of a feminine, healthy hair.
You know how different you act when you´re relaxed than when you´re nervous, right?
When you´re with your friends you tease, you joke, and you entertain. But when you´re nervous, you either talk too much and too fast, ask too many wrong questions, uptight, too conscious or you talk too little.
So in order to be yourself on a date, you need to relax.
From my experience, it´s easier to relax when you´re going for a date with a guy that you´re not head-over-heels attracted to, guys who are probably not your type, than with guys that you find really attractive.
If you know that you´re meeting up with a guy whom you think is definitely your type, girl, the stakes are high. You get nervous.
But you still need to relax.
How do you do that? Plan ahead. (See #2)
Make sure that you´ll have enough time to pamper yourself before going to a date.
You need some time to either take a slow, pampering shower or to change your clothes and freshen up if you´re going to the date after work.
Take a bath, if you can.
Moisturize your skin well, afterwards.
Listen to your favorite music.
Talk to a friend who can make you laugh.
All these will loosen you up and make you relax.
Calculate the time you need to get to the date venue on time. You don´t want to get there too early because the longer that you´ll wait for him the more that you´ll probably get nervous. But you also don´t want to be late. How much time do you need to get there on time without rushing?
If all things fail and you´re still nervous, take a deep long breath down to your belly. And then exhale slowly. Do that three times.
And then tell yourself, “I´m here to have fun.“
5. Be Fun.
Try to enjoy the occassion.
Savour the food or the drink if you´re meeting up at a restaurant or a cafe.
Take pleasure in the activity if you´re going for a walk or visiting a museum.
Wallow in the venue.
Relish his company.
When you go to a date with the sole purpose of having fun and enjoying the experience without any expectations, you take the pressure off your shoulder.
If you´re genuinely enjoying yourself, your date will see that. He too will have fun and enjoy himself.
It´s often when you go and do something just for the purpose of experiencing it without having high expectations that you win. That´s exactly how Miss Korea 2018 won the pageant.
What is your definition of fun?
6. Be Yourself (To a degree.)
You want to present your original, true self. But you want to present it in a positive way.
If you don´t eat pork and drink wine (like I do), say so. But try to get his input too.
For example I would say: I don´t eat pork, but I´m really curious what´s their most delicious vegetarian dish here. Have you tried any?
Act like you normally act. Laugh when you find something funny.
But keep the negatives to yourself. Don´t criticize him or the dessert that he ordered for you. Keep whatever negative observations you have to yourself.
Be nice to the waitress and everyone around the venue like you normally would. (`Cause hopefully, you´re always nice to the waiters and service people. It just pays to be nice.)
Share your thoughts about a topic but avoid being combative. Even if you´re a lawyer, a debate trainer, or an opinionated feminist, you don´t want to debate with your date.
A date will never be boring if both parties know how to engage well.
Although you can´t control your date´s ability to engage, you can control yours. And I encourage you to engage even if you´re not feeling your date.
Always engage regardless of how you see your date. Don´t be rude to him.
Take this is an awesome opportunity to learn something new from someone new.
a. Put your phone away.
Checking your phone every now and then while on a date is rude. It tells your date that your phone is more interesting than him.
Put it on silent or airplane mode.
Concentrate on engaging with your date and creating connection. Make him feel like nothing matters more to you at this moment than spending the time with him.
b. Ask questions.
But avoid the “What do you do for a living” kind of question.
Avoid direct personal questions such as “Have you been married before?“ or ” Do you have kids?“.
If you want to get those information, format your question so that it doesn´t sound like you´re cross-examining him. Ask something like:
- What do you like the most about your family?
- What do you enjoy doing with your family? or
- How do you spend your weekend?
You´re giving him opportunity to share what he´s comfortable sharing with about his personal life.
It´s a good idea to focus on more enjoyable topics such as his favorite past-time, his hobby, or his latest trip.
Listen carefully and ask follow-up questions.
Did you know that women who ask more questions are more likely to get a second date?
A Harvard University study finds that asking more questions warms him up to you because it shows that you´re genuinely interested in him.
c. Introduce yourself.
When introducing yourself, avoid discussing about your position and work achievements.
Talk instead about what you find most enjoyable about your work. Why you love your work. Or why you see yourself doing what you do for a really long time or for the rest of your life.
If you´re unhappy at work, this is not the time to vent it out.
You don´t have to say that you love your work when you´re actually unhappy at work. Again, be yourself.
But you will sound more positive and optimistic if you talk about the valuable life lessons that you´re learning from your work and the things that you´re grateful for about your job.
So if he asks you, “Do you enjoy your work?“
You can say, “Work is currently challenging for me but I enjoy working with my colleagues. Most of them are helpful and we´re like a family. I´m also learning a lot about the new program that we´re currently adapting and I appreciate the management splurging on such program/equipment because it makes our lives easier. It makes work more efficient.“
The details you left out are: You hate your boss and you´re more comfortable at work if you´re boss is on business trip.
d. Make the conversation fun and light.
If more important subjects arise such as faith, culture and politics, listen carefully to his views.
See if there´s anything from what he said that you can agree with and then share your thoughts about it.
But don´t go deep because that´s a tricky territory. This is not the time for that. Try to turn it around into something funny or practical.
For example, if my date will ask me, “Why you don´t eat pork?”
I will say, “It´s because of religious reasons. Pork is included in the list of Biblical unclean foods that we humans are not supposed to eat. But it´s also because as a Seventh Day Adventist we are encouraged to be health conscious. There are many dangers to eating meat, and pork, in particular, is risky to our health. We are instead encouraged to eat more vegetables and fruits. But I do enjoy my chicken soup and fish.” ( Laughs)
The way that I structured my answer I avoided debating with my date whether or not the list of Biblical unclean foods, which can be found in Leviticus 11 and Isaiah 66, still stands given that those books are found in the old testament.
Sure I can debate about this topic with gusto but for what? To alienate my date?
I stated in my answer the religious reason behind it — which we can explore more in the future if he decides to see me again — but I didn´t go deep. Included in my answer are the practical health reasons behind me not eating pork and then I added a little joke at the end.
I had used this answer in many occasions whenever the “pork” topic arises and it always works.
8. Flirt with him.
Smile. Give him your genuine, happy smile that reaches your eyes.
Don´t plaster your face with a fake smile the entire time. A fake smile is easy to gauge. It doesn´t brighten the eyes.
Look at him in the eyes when he´s speaking. Show genuine interest as you listen with a smile.
Touch him gently every now and then — his elbow, arm or top of his hand — especially when you´re sharing something funny or laughing to his joke.
Lean towards him when you´re listening to him or when you tell him a silly joke, slowly closing the gap between you.
Flip your hair once in a while. Or rearrange your hair by combing it with your hand from one side to the other side.
Give compliments. Tell him you love his blue eyes. His curly hair is sexy. You love smelling his scent. Whatever it is that you adore about him, compliment him for it.
Make sure to give genuine compliments though. Complimenting for the sake of giving compliments will come off forced and fake.
Flirting is all about enjoying yourself and his company. So whatever is your definition of enjoying his company, do that.
But hopefully, that doesn´t include getting yourself drunk.
9. Let him pay.
The topic of who should pay for a date has become huge since women got a handle of their fight for equality.
Most men are still chivalrous and prefer to pay for the first date. But many men have adopted the the “feminist equality” mentality that they demand their date pay for half the bill.
Some men, however, become victims to women who go to first dates to get free dinners. With the advent of swipe apps, women getting free dinner has become as rampant as men getting free sex.
I believe that men should pay for the first date. But I also believe that women should choose a no-food first date.
Meeting up for coffee or drinks is more casual than meeting up for dinner. It doesn´t put pressure on the guy to impress you with fine wine and great delicacies.
You also don´t need to worry about burdening him with the bill because, which guy demands that his date pay for her $3 coffee? In my book, that guy is a goner.
It´s also easier to choose a pub or a cafe to meet up than a restaurant to dine.
Add to that the challenge of going through the menu and choosing what to order. Choosing a drink is simpler — water or wine? Coffee or tea?
You don´t have to worry about your table manners either. Should I talk with my mouth full? Or should I chew and swallow this food first before I answer that question?
Most importantly, you don´t have to worry about smiling to his jokes with a piece of food stuck between your teeth. That´s my biggest fear, you know? And that´s why I always carry a toothpick in my purse. :)
With a drinks-only date, you can concentrate on flirting with him.
But you also have an option to extend the date if you two are really having a good time.
You can say, “I´m really hungry. Should we grab some dinner somewhere?”
Being spontaneous can add so much fun to your date. And if you´re up for spontaneity, always carry some cash with you.
10. Be feminine.
We´ve already covered how to look feminine through your outfit and hair, but femininity is more than just your appearance.
A first date offers many opportunities for you to allow him to be your hero. Letting him pay for the bill if he wants to is one.
Letting him open the door for you. Pull the chair for you. Or getting a taxi for you at the end of the date are other ways to make him feel like he´s your hero.
Being feminine also includes accepting his jacket when he offers it to you to protect you from the air condition or from the chill if you´re going for a walk.
Sometimes, it means agreeing to his plan or suggestions. Letting him lead.
Or it could be letting him know that you admire what he does for a living. It doesn´t matter if you´re making more money than him. You don´t want to imasculate him.
Use your feminine power to get a second date with a guy.
11. How to suggest a second date.
Tell him you had fun.
When it´s time to end the date, let him know that you had fun and that you´re open to doing it again.
Give him a hug and say, “I had a great time. I would love to do it again.”
After you´ve made it known to him that you look forward for a second date, it´s now up to him to follow through.
There´s no need to text him after the date. The ball is now in his court.
Since you´ve done everything you could to get a second date with a guy, once you´re back from the first date, let it go.
Don´t think about it. Avoid ruminating everything that happened on the date, over and over again. It will make you obsess about him.
Definitely don´t wait for his text either.
If he texts you asking you out for a second date, that´s great! If not, move on to the next first date.
Once you met The One, and you´ve done all the first date tips for women above, I assure you, you are going to get a second date with him.