One of the reasons why dating is a dangerous arena is that you get to meet different forms of deception along the way. And where your heart is involved, lying is a very painful thing to deal with especially if you´re on the receiving end.
Want proof that lying and deception are rampant in the dating world? Google the increasing number of unwed single moms who raise their child alone. Most of them have the same story; their lover promised them all love and good things only to run away when they got preggy.
But I´m not here to scare you, because as modern women we´re capable of learning how to protect ourselves, nor I´m here to tell you that only men are capable of deceiving. Anyone is capable of lying—and learning to avoid it—regardless of his/her gender.
You can never tell who has been a victim of deception in dating, ´cause while it does not necessary produce a love child at the end, the results are always the same—distrust on the opposite sex and a broken heart.
[Tweet “Where there is lying there is no relationship. ~ unknown”]
If you want to know how to grow healthy relationship, read Dr. Henry Cloud´s and Dr. John Townsend´s, Boundaries in Dating.
Read on to know if you´re guilty or have been a victim of any of these forms of deception in dating, plus find out how to avoid them.
Table of Contents
1. Leading a person to believe that you´re on the same page when you´re not.
It´s a wonderful feeling to be pursued and treated like a queen by a man. If a man is seriously interested on you or has fallen in love with you, he will give you all the care, love and attention that you can only dream of from an unattainable man.
But what if he´s moving forward in your relationship rather quickly than you´re actually prepared for? What if your feelings for him are not the same? Will you fake it?
Will you let him serve you, take you to wonderful places and expensive restaurants, and shower you with gifts? Will you pretend that you love him too in order to enjoy his company until the right guy comes around and you´ll drop him on a whim?
While you can easily move on, he gets really hurt, most likely won´t date for a while and will surely have trouble trusting the opposite sex again.
Some men are also notorious in making you believe like they´re into you if they think that you´re a sports fish. They´ll enjoy you physically for as much as you allow them to but drop you like a hat once they caught the next sports fish or if they finally found the woman of their dreams whom they´re ready to settle down with.
The Fix:
It´s okay to date a guy, enjoy his company and find out where the relationship is going to go, but as soon as you´re sure that dating isn´t going anywhere like he thinks it is, you have the responsibility to tell him clearly and honestly. Anything less is deceitful and harmful.
2. Deception about being friends
I once had a close guy friend, we started as pure friends. And then as time went by, romantic feelings developed on both of us but we were afraid to cross the friendship line. Despite my love for him, I had to act simply like his best friend.
It wasn´t a form of deception because we started genuinely as friends and even if we eventually separated and married other people; we remained good friends.
It becomes a deception if you´re attracted to someone and you use friendship to get really close, like best friends in that sense, when in fact you´re driven with a different motive other than real friendship.
And if that someone does not return the affection, you get hurt and act like the victim when all along that someone thought you were just “friends”.
The Fix:
Don´t act like a friend that you are not. Ask yourself, “What will happen if this does not end in the way that I desire? Can I still be friends with him?” If your answer is “No”, then your friendship is a scam.
3. Deception about other people.
I once saw a movie about a girl who introduced her father to her boyfriend as her uncle. Although hurt, her dad did not say anything and acted just like an uncle as she wished. But her boyfriend accidentally found out the truth, as well as the reason of her lying—her dad was gay.
A man was trying to figure out his relationship with a woman he was dating. He could sense that there´s something odd between her and her boss, and he couldn´t figure out what. She claimed that they´re just friends. It turned out, her boss was actually her ex-boyfriend and there was still a bond between them.
As expected, these two relationships went downhill because of deception. It´s not because her dad was a gay or her boss was her ex, it´s because both women lied and it´s what caused mistrust in their dating relationship.
The Fix:
Be clear about the nature of your relationships with the people around you. There are things better left unsaid, but when necessary, you should tell the truth.
4. Deception about who you are.
You sometimes feel like you want to make the best impression to the guy you date so you set aside your values, preferences and convictions and do things which you think will make you look like the best candidate for him.
It´s actually necessary to make a good impression on first dates so he will take you to a second date, but remember to always be true to you.
***
Make him commit and surrender his heart to you, learn how to be “the woman men adore and never want to leave”.
***
A memoir writer whom I featured at my site, Offbeat Marriage, said that one of the lessons she learned from her failed cross-cultural marriage was to “be yourself early”. She normally wouldn´t eat pork, but when she met her parents-in-law for the first time and her ex-MIL cooked pork all the time, she ate with abadon.
The Fix:
You will have a good relationship if you´re clear and honest about anything.
5. Deception about facts
In order to be accepted or to present their best selves to the person they date, some people lie about their whereabouts, finances, education, their past, their achievements, if they´re seeing someone else, or other facts.
In fact, you should be careful and handpick the safe dating advises to use even from best-selling relationship books.
In the book, The Power of the Pussy, the author suggested acting hard to get with the guy that you really like—and by playing hard to get she meant not sleeping with him for at least 90 days but instead sleeping with other guys, whom you will use as toy boys with no strings attached and whom you will stop sleeping with once you get serious with the guy you date. (Disclosure: The author suggested a better alternative to toy boys—rubber toys.)
For once, sleeping around (or even using rubber toys) is definitely against the “purity” that the Bible advocates for our dating journey. Second, sleeping around while you´re dating someone is a very bad form of deception. What if the guy you´re dating finds out the truth later in your relationship?
The Fix:
Set your relationship in a strong foundation by not cheating and lying to the person you date.
6. Deception about hurt and conflict
Some women hide their hurts and resentment under the carpet while they´re still dating, and even later in their marriage.
There are two big problems with pretending that you´re okay even if you´re not—1) all the hurts that you harbor will grow into bitterness and will serve as a negative force in your relationship, and 2) you will never get to find out the kind of person you´re dating, how he responds to you going honest with your hurt will tell you whether he will make for a good long-term partner.
The Fix:
If you´re hurt in some way, bring it up. Being honest resolves the hurt or the conflict. Don´t harbor bitterness. Honestly discussing this issue will help you grow in your relationship, understand each other better and create intimacy.
But if he doesn´t listen, is defensive and puts all the blame on you, then it´s a sign that he´s a person that you can´t talk too. It´s better to find out early so you can make appropriate decisions early.
[Tweet “People who can handle confrontation and feedback are the ones who make relationships work.”]
The moment you spot lying on the person you date, you start to question everything and you wonder how much of your relationship is true. Although you can´t control the lies and deceptions that others do, you can control your own.
If honesty is an integral value to you, you will never tolerate being lied to by others.
