There comes a time when you´re not only unsure how to get out of the friend zone, you also don´t know if you should.
Different friend zones, different stories. Sometimes you end up being in a friend zone with a guy by accident, yet sometimes you did it on purpose but for different reasons.
Did you decide to friend zone a guy after a first date because you figured you´re not into him but you´re not willing to give up the benefits of having him around? Or did you friend zone him because you liked him from the beginning and you want to get closer to him?
If you fall in either of these cases, then you should really read, 6 Forms of Deception in Dating That You Should Avoid, and see if you´re guilty of deceiving and how to fix it.
But let´s suppose you were in a platonic friendship with a guy and then one morning you noticed you´re getting more particular with how you look, dress or act around him. You´re starting to see butterflies when he smiles on you!
It didn´t happen overnight, you didn´t even know when it started, but you do know that now, you have romantic feelings for him.
What are you to do?
Would you rather stay friends with him, never to cross the friend zone border, or would you rather brave it and get out of the friend zone?
I know how confusing it can be to be in a friend zone. One week day when I was in the university, I went AWOL from my classes and travelled home to my parents because I was overwhelmed with the feelings of being in love with my guy best friend.
There were ten of us in our gang, five girls and five guys, and I knew that two of our female friends had a crush on him from the very beginning. I used to have my eye on a different guy, yet because of our closeness and the way he took care of me, I slowly fell for him. I didn´t like what I felt but I couldn´t help it.
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The funny thing was he´s not my type but I`m attracted to him. In the beginning, I never thought anything special would grow between us.
I went to tell my parents about my feelings for my friend. My parents knew the guy because we lived in the same town and he often visited me at home when we were on holidays. He was close to my parents too.
My mom said that she noticed there was something more than platonic in our friendship. But my dad had a different say. My dad told me that he used to have a female best friend whom he was so sweet with and had taken good care of. All he had was platonic feelings for the girl but she fell in love with him. The day my dad found out that his friend had romantic feelings for him, he broke off the friendship.
My dad asked me, “Are you willing to throw over the good friendship you have with him just because you misinterpreted the care he was showing you?”
My answer was “No”, so for the next years to come I nipped my feelings for him and focused on being his platonic best friend.
Although I was always single, I didn´t even bother about how to get a boyfriend because most of the time, I had my guy friend beside me albeit friend zone was all we got.
My First Love
Years later we both were professionals, I bid him goodbye. I was to set off in an adventure abroad. I didn´t know what to expect or what would happen to me, I just knew I wanted to go international.
Despite him being in a church-related camp many miles from the city on the day that I was to fly, he drove to see me one last time.
I ended up in an arduous journey settling myself abroad that for two years, my focus was to survive. I removed the people I cared for from my thoughts so that I wouldn´t miss home. I needed to survive. I lost touch with my best friend.
While abroad I also fell in love with a British guy. The last thing I thought during that period was my guy best friend back home but out of nowhere, I kept dreaming of him every single night for two weeks. In my dreams I saw how much I missed him. I often woke up crying.
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I didn´t understand that phenomenon until later when I found out he got married to a widow with two kids as a form of rebellion to his parents who were always against every woman he dated. The news tore me to pieces. It was only then when I realized he was my first love.
At the back of my head, I had always hoped we would end up together.
Seven years later after that heartbreak, I was already happily married to my husband, when my guy best friend sent me a friend request on Facebook. For ten years we haven´t talked.
When finally we chatted, I was determined to have closure.
He told me his marriage was unsuccessful because it wasn´t love that drove him to marry but anger towards his parents. He regretted his wrong choices which resulted to a broken family. He has two kids.
I told him about how all those years I didn´t know he was my first love, I forced myself to ignore what I felt for him. He admitted that he had feelings for me but decided to ignore it too because he didn´t want to come off as someone who was trying to be close to me with a hidden agenda.
He didn´t want to take advantage of my trust. He was scared to lose me as his best friend.
I cried as we talked over Facebook chat.
That time when I was always dreaming about him every single night for two weeks even if I wasn´t thinking about him during the day, as he told me during our chat, was the time when he was always driving passing by my parents` house hoping that he´d see me, hoping that he´d talk to me before his wedding. He was thinking about me all those time.
We had what-ifs and what-have-beens if we chose to get out of the friend zone. But to me, it was only that, what-ifs. I have no regrets because I am very much happy with my husband and with where I am now.
I do feel bad for him though, he´s not as happy as I wished for him to be. But at the end, it´s his choices.
Since our closure talk, my friend and I have never talked again. But when we do stumble on each other again in the future, in person, I´m sure we´ll have lots of catching up to do like we used to.
Those weeks when I always woke up weeping from my dreams about my guy friend, I wrote this poem.
Someone From My Past
Someone from my past keeps coming back.
I got the present and the future at hand
But this someone still is coming back.
He occupies a room in my heart.
Just a tiny room that if unguarded,
Blossoms in my dreams.
Why can’t I let go?
Was he my first love?
But we’re just friends.
How can I love him that much?
I didn’t even realize.
It took me two years to remember the past.
Worst thing is,
He disturbs me in my dreams.
Where is he?
Why can’t he give peace?
Is he married?
That I am scared.
Will I ever see him again?
What will it be like?
I miss him so much.
It seems like he’s always there.
The feeling that he’s always
The right one for me.
That whenever I come home,
He’s there waiting.
I can see him driving
His sports motorbike
To check if I’m around.
And we would talk
All pieces of our lives
‘Till the clock hits twelve o’clock.
There were nights
When his face
Woke me up weeping.
At last I saw him again.
We were very happy.
We missed each other so much.
We embraced when we met.
But at his back,
His wife stood watching.
Oh things just changed.
I can’t call him whenever I like.
I can’t pull him for a talk whenever I need.
He’s now occupied.
He’s no longer mine.
And I would ask fate “Why?
And he would tell me
It’s just a dream.
Oh yes, it’s just a dream.
But he’s not here.
I don’t know
Where he is.
Yet he’s in that room.
In the corner
Of my heart.
I wrote this poem on January 27, 2007 at 9:30 in the morning. It describes the nightmare of loneliness and the cravings for the past; the longing to be with that someone I never realized I used to love. Yet woe to that love; for it was never expressed, it was never given chance to bloom.
So how do you get out of the friend zone? You have to decide that getting out of the friend zone is actually what you want to do. You run the risk of losing him as a friend if it turns out that the feeling isn´t mutual, but believe me; friendships rarely last for a lifetime anyway.
If you rather be safe and stay in the friend zone, you may not lose him as a friend now, but sooner or later, once he gets committed to someone, his time and attention will gear away from you.
For social etiquette, you also have to give him space, some distance, as he embarks to a committed relationship with someone. Simply put, you won´t be as close as you always hoped you´ll be with him.
So muster up the courage to let him know how you feel for him. Set him up to a blind date with someone and then show yourself up. It can be nerve-wrecking, yes, but not as much as waiting indefinitely for him to also fall for you or letting fate decide for you.
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What if it won´t happen? Then you just wasted your time. Precious time which you could spend meeting other people. But what if he´s just waiting for you to do the move?
What if he also has feelings for you but is just scared to cross the line? Ten years from now will you look back with regret because you weren´t brave enough?
You´ll really never know unless you set up to find out.
Whatever will be the outcome, prepare yourself for it. Just like getting over a breakup, if his answer is a “No”, you´ll have to learn to accept it and move on.
To stay or not stay friends after you chose to get out of the friend zone will be totally up to you … and him.