How do you let go of someone you love who doesn´t love you? Or perhaps the right question is, how do you stop getting addicted to an unavailable man?
One reader is facing this dilemma and she needs help …
How do you forgive yourself from giving up and walking away from the only man whom you know you truly loved and know that you will always love?
How do you then find happiness knowing that he is loving somebody else? I wonder if I’ll ever be happy again. I thought I was over him, I convinced myself I was and I actually started dating someone. It’s been six months now, I was happy and all was going well until two weeks back when one day, it all came back to me and overwhelmed me. The feelings…the love, and the bitterness of why he never fought for us, for me.
I know I have no reason to love this guy, none whatsoever. He put me through so much, emotionally and hurt me a lot. But my heart, it has a language of its own. No matter what he put me through I still love him. Now my dilemma is do I tell the guy I’m dating the truth? What if it hurts him? Or do I stick it out and just carry on as if nothing is going on? I love the fact that he loves me the way I want to be loved, gives me attention and appreciates me, and I want to give him my all, he deserves my love. But how when I have all this going through my head and heart?
Sorry, I just needed to share my frustration right now and I hope you can advise me if possible. ~ A
Hi A! Your story reminds me of a love-triangle movie I saw before. It´s message was profound, “Should you love the one who makes you complete or the one who loves you completely?”
Ah, matters of heart! How they dictate our happiness and overpower our intelligent mind. I can see that you have three dilemmas; I would like to tackle them one by one:
1. How do you forgive yourself for walking away from a guy whom you truly love but didn´t love you?
To forgive is to stop feeling resentment against an offender. My question is, what is your offense? Walking away from a guy who couldn´t love you back? It was not an offense, my dear; it was the right thing to do.
The fact that you walked away shows your big love for this person. He loves someone else and you wouldn´t want to stand on the way. But it´s also an evidence of self-respect.
You´ve mentioned that he had hurt you so much in the past. If you stayed in an emotionally abusive relationship, it will destroy your morals and overall self-esteem. So walking away is definitely RIGHT. You saved both of you — you because you were able to walk away intact and he because you set him free.
There is nothing to resent yourself about. There is no need to forgive. What you need to do is thank God for giving you the courage, no matter how much it hurt, to do the right thing.
2. How do you let go of an unreciprocated love so that you can learn to love the guy who truly loves you.
Did you ever wonder why the bad guys always have plenty of women chasing them while the good guys have less, if not none?
Many men who aren´t significantly attractive are dubbed play boy, broke many a girl´s heart or fathered several kids never to commit to a single woman, probably until they get tired hopping and sowing their wild oats, and yet still plenty of women are head over heels in love with them?
What about the kind, gorgeous men who are too nice? Boring!
That´s because as human, our natural inclination is to crave for something that we couldn´t have. The more unattainable, the more we want it. The more elusive, the more we get addicted to it.
Couple that with past negative conditioning — lack of love and attention from parents, or history of childhood abuse — and you have the complete recipe for vulnerability, sense of emotional dependability or attachment disorder.
Check the kind of love you have for that unattainable guy, is it love or is it addiction?
How do you know if it´s addiction?
- If you know you should let go and don´t …
- If you don´t know whether to continue a relationship or a marriage …
- If you ask yourself what makes you stay or continue to love …
- If you believe you can´t live without that person …
- If you think you will never love anyone as much …
If any of the above is true to you, then you are addicted to that person.
In order to break your addiction, you need to go back to its roots. I found a good book which can help you get free from the prison of love, How To Break Your Addiction To A Person.
3. Should you tell the guy who loves you that you´re still loving someone else?
I told my husband your story and asked him whether or not you should confide to the nice guy, whom you´re dating right now, that you´re still in love with your ex.
My husband says that you should NOT.
According to him, the nice guy may get hurt, offended, turned off, or he may distant himself in order to give you time to heal. But as you heal, he may find someone else and move on. What if he´s the one for you? Then you will miss on a potential great lover and partner.
But I reminded my husband that when we started dating, albeit online, I had just broken up with an ex, whom also a colleague, and I was still hurting. I told him about it, I even cried in front of him (while chatting over Skype), but it only made him more determined to win my love.
At some point I wanted to stop dating with my husband because I needed time to heal, I felt I was unfair using him as a rebound, but he didn´t agree. He pursued me even more.
He sent me large bouquets of flowers at work, which he should have addressed to my apartment, in order to show my ex that I am loved by him. (Eventually, when he was already assured of my love for him, succeeding flowers and packages from him were sent to my apartment.)
I found it funny actually, but my husband´s persistence helped me get over my ex rather quick even if I bumped shoulders with him everyday.
What I want you to do is PRAY. Ask God for guidance. He will tell you what you need to do.
Listen through your heart. What does it tell you? Does it want be honest to the nice guy? Maybe it wants to go clean so it can breathe more easily. Maybe it craves support and understanding from him?
Should you choose to tell him your current dilemma, remember that you need not reveal everything to him. Drop the very personal stuff. Oftentimes, they´re better left untold, now or in the future.
I hope this helps. Sending you hugs from my side of the world.
There are three absolute non-negotiable requirements in dating a man. He should be: 1) Healthy, 2) Confident and 3) Available. If at least one of these three is missing in your date, your dating experience with that man is destined to be full of misery.
- He should be healthy – physically and mentally. No known addiction. No mental illness.
- He should be confident of WHO he is and WHAT he makes.
- He should be available. This means that he´s not in a relationship with another woman and that he´s interested to be in a committed relationship with a potential mate.
A´s problem is caused by being in love with an unavailable man. But getting clear with her non-negotiables before setting out in the dating world will keep her from falling for an emotionally unavailable man.
Note: This Q&A originally appeared on my Happy Sis magazine.