Your insecurity in relationships is not caused by how a man sees you but by how you see yourself.
If you told me ten years ago that I would be married to a tall, handsome guy with a stable job + all the endearing qualities of the perfect husband, I would have laughed out loud. Fifteen years ago, a really thin guy, not-at-all good-looking and only a few inches taller than I am, whose only redeeming qualities were a great professional voice and a kind heart, rejected me.
If you told me then that shortly before I`d meet my to-be husband a great love-triangle drama would unfold and a totally handsome + highly intellectual European guy would fall in love with me and break his engagement to his fiancée so he could be with me, I would have laughed out loud too. Fifteen years ago, I had a low self-esteem and a really high insecurity in relationships. I didn´t believe I could attract quality men, especially a first-rate guy.
How about you? How healthy is your self-esteem?
If I will tell you now that you have everything it takes to attract a first-rate guy, will you believe me? How about if I tell you that you are an attractive, quality woman and that right now, Mr. Right is out there looking for you and hoping to build a healthy relationship with you? Will you believe me or will you dismiss me as nonsense?
Insecurity in relationships is caused by your insecurity issues about yourself. And unfortunately, it has a powerful impact on your success in love. But I have good news for you; you can overcome it, like I did. Here are three tips:
1. Let go of those stupid comments people said about you many years ago.
We have a terrible tendency in life to focus only on our critics, those who say the worst about us, or to those who react to us negatively. ~ Matthew Hussey
Sometimes, the stupid comments thrown to you by others are a good thing; use them as a challenge to prove them wrong.
But many times you allow those stupid comments to be your truth. As stupid as those comments may sound, you allow them to shape your self-worth; you allow them to make you feel insecure about yourself.
I had some people told me that I would never get married because no man would ever find me attractive, not with my horribly thin figure and heinously ugly crooked teeth. For a long time I believed them. I thought I was ugly and no man would ever like me. But it was all wrong.
I am a beautiful creation of God. I am beautiful.
You are a beautiful creation of God. You are beautiful.
If some people find you unattractive, many will find you attractive. Beauty really is in the eye of the beholder. It only takes the right set of eyes to see the beauty that you are.
I am speaking from experience here. My husband fell in love with me like crazy despite my crooked teeth. He saw my beautiful smile and happy spirit, not the imperfect teeth. (This is because he met me when I already learned to embrace my flaws.)
There were a number of women who were after him, and I know two of them who, until these days, still wished they were in my shoes. But my husband chose me even if those women had perfect white and straight teeth.
Let go of those self-destructive thoughts in your head that were fed by the negative comments said about you by your critics. They are false.
While you can´t control what other people will say about you and how they will respond to you, you can control how to NOT let their negativity affect you. Easier said than done, yes, but certainly doable.
2. Your baggage don´t matter to your potential partner, unless you´re bitter about it.
What is your baggage?
Is it your height and how often you get teased for being taller than most men? The next time a guy says during your first meet-up, “Wow, you´re tall!” don´t get offended. Just shrug it off and say, “I know! I can see everything from here.” This level of confidence will attract the man.
Make him commit and surrender his heart to you, learn how to be “the woman men adore and never want to leave”.
Is it your age? Too young and immature for a thirty-year-old guy or too old and over the hill? Age is just a number. Men are attracted to your youthfulness, not to your age. It doesn´t matter how old you are, as long as you´re playful, fun and youthful, you´re in good hands.
Is it your past relationships? No matter how many relationships you had in the past that didn´t work, a guy could care less unless you show signs that you´re still not over them. So the next time you meet a new guy, don´t talk much about your past relationships and don´t bad-mouth your ex-es. The past is meant to be in the past. Just pick up the lessons learned and move on.
Or if you are currently in a relationship, don´t compare yourself to his exes. You are his NOW. That´s all that matters.
Is it your kid/s? Being a single mom doesn´t make you less attractive. My husband´s newly widowed boss, a perfect catch, fell in love with a woman with two kids. And they´re having a great relationship.
The good rule of thumb when it comes to baggage is to accept it or let it go. As long as you´re not bitter about it, it shouldn´t discourage your potential mate.
3. Turn a liability into an asset.
Before I had my crooked teeth fixed through adult dental braces, they were my biggest liability. In that sense, they were my biggest physical insecurity.
Because I was ashamed of my teeth, I used to frown all the time. I didn´t want to flash them around. But because I also had a big open bite, I couldn´t really close my mouth. Yet it took me long to figure that there´s really no way of hiding the protruding front teeth, so I better smile.
Frowning all the time made me come off as snob, and that´s why no men ever approached me. “Maybe I should start smiling really big instead”, I thought. And smiling big I did.
You know what´s funny? When I first met my husband he was enamored by my big smile. He didn´t pay attention to the crooked teeth, he just fell for the happy woman who smiled all the time. I turned my biggest liability into my biggest asset.
What´s your liability? Be creative and turn it into an asset. Then see how it will turn your life around.
Overcoming your insecurity in relationships is simply about not allowing people´s negative opinion set the stage on how you value yourself, it´s about letting go of the past and learning to love and accept yourself — imperfections and all — and being creative by turning your liabilities into assets.