Do you think the reason why you still haven´t found love is your introvert personality? Today´s featured love advice is from a reader who is very much aware of the reasons why she still hasn’t found love and she looks for answers on what to do.
I have difficulty finding the appropriate guy for a number of reasons I guess:
1) I`m in Hong Kong and you may know there is a massive imbalance of boys and girls here in HK.
2) I am a catholic (though it’s my bad and I am not being diligent; I haven’t been going to the church regularly for a little while) and I do have values and teachings I uphold and one of which is chastity but its sooo hard to find a guy who appreciates this (I was with someone for about 4 years 2 years ago and he respects but I do think a big part of why we broke up in the end relates to this same reason).
3) I am not particularly young now, will be turning early mid 30s soon and you know, decent guys at my age are mostly married or getting married soon.
4) my personality and my job, I am generally quiet and I look and am serious (I am an introvert) and I don’t necessarily open up to people without reservation that quickly. What makes this even worst is I am a lawyer and guys find women in this profession intimidating … And guys these days are very, very impatient.
5) For some reasons, I am not keen on online dating to be honest, I am not comfortable disclosing my info to strangers online and to be fair, I know it’s unlikely that I can find trustworthy guys online when I am not being honest and upfront.
How do think I can tackle the issues above and change the situation? Thanks a lot for reading! ~ Miss S.
Hi Miss S.! That you are aware of the reasons why you still haven´t found love is a good thing, but let´s see if all these reasons you´ve mentioned above are valid and what you can do about them.
1. High Female to Male Ratio in My Country
According to the statistics, the sex ratio at birth for Hong Kong is 1.07 male : female. However, as the population grows older, the sex ratio decreases. This is mostly attributed to Hong Kong men migrating to other countries such as China for job opportunities. It is said that Hong Kong women are less likely to brave the challenges abroad so most of them stay.
One thing you can consider doing to meet more Hong Kong men is travelling. Find out which places most Hong Kong men move to and then explore those places. You´ll never know how many men you´ll meet along the way + you´ll have fun.
Needless to say, you´ll also have to consider the possibility of migration if indeed you´ll find love abroad. Will you be willing to move to another country in the name of love?
2. I Uphold Chastity
It´s true that very less people nowadays practice chastity. But from my experience, even men who were sexually active before they met you will respect your no-sex standard if they truly love you.
That your ex stayed in the relationship with you for 4 years with no sex says a lot about how much he respected you and was willing to wait in the name of love.
I don´t think that the reason of the breakdown of your relationship was chastity but I think it was caused by a staled relationship that´s unable to graduate to decision stage, the stage when you are to decide to commit (See: 4 Stages of a Relationship).
Long engagement mostly results to breakup and not even sex can save it.
Make him commit and surrender his heart to you, learn how to be “the woman men adore and never want to leave”.
3. Most Decent Guys in Mid Thirties Are Already Married
Do you have statistics to back this up? Probably this is true in the tiny circle that you navigate in but if you look outside the box, there are many quality bachelors who are too busy they´re still single.
There are two things you can do to meet quality, busy men — attend single meetups and join single clubs that are now becoming popular for busy single people in Hong Kong (google the next single meetup schedule in your area) and join online dating sites for Chinese and Hong Kong single people (that is, if you consider intercultural relationship).
4. I`m a Quiet, Reserved Introvert Who´s Also a Lawyer
“Guys find female lawyers intimidating.” Sorry to spoil your belief but that´s a myth. I used to buy that too, until I found out that men are actually not intimidated by strong women with powerful profession, rather they´re intimidated by unapproachable women.
If you always look serious, you don´t smile, you don´t look friendly and happy, and you always hide in a corner, it doesn´t matter whether you´re a lawyer, a teacher or a sales girl, men won´t approach you. The reason is simple — men are afraid of rejection. From a distance they are already calculating you.
If you enter a room wearing a serious look that´s almost a frown, you´re buried in your smartphone, you don´t even glance around and you`re uninterested with your surroundings, chances are no men will approach you.
If you talk to a guy and you approach the conversation as if you´re doing a litigation in the courtroom, then you´ll definitely have a problem.
It´s okay to be quiet and reserved, but learn to smile. When you go out to run errands, or to buy lunch in your work canteen, look around, maybe there´s a gorgeous guy in the area and all you need to do is smile at him for an invitation to approach you.
The problem with many successful and strong women is they know how to handle men at work — in the courtroom, at board meetings, and in every networking — but they don´t know how to handle men in a romantic sense.
Remember that femininity is important in attracting men. So while you´re comfortable in your tailored suits and trousers for a court hearing, swap them for a sexy, girly dress when you´re not at work. If you have problem initiating or participating in small talks or having a fun conversation with a man (instead of nerve-wrecking interogation), see if you can hire a professional to help you on it.
Read Books. For more ideas on how to date if you have an introvert personality, check out these books:
Be Quiet and Date Me!: Dating for Introverts in a World That Never Stops Talking (Relationship and Dating Advice for Women Book 6)
The Introverted Women Dating and Relationship Guide: Discover and Take Advantage of Your Quiet Inner, Introvert Power to Thrive in the Competitive Dating World and Always Get the Guy
5. I Don´t Like Online Dating
From what I know, most introverts are more comfortable with online dating than with going out to places to meet people. With online dating, all you need to do is learn the dos and don´ts while being comfortable in your home.
Many busy professionals who have no time for meetups turn to online dating, and if you don´t join the bandwagon, you may be missing a great deal.
You need to learn how to create an interesting profile that peeks interest but it doesn´t mean you´ll have to go all the way telling strangers everything about yourself without them earning your trust first. Yet that doesn´t mean you should make up untrue stories about yourself.
Learn to be true to yourself without giving away too much information early when dealing/dating with men online and offline.
A mix of online dating and going out to meet singles through meetups and single clubs is a surefire way to meet potential partners and expanding your options. There will be bumps on the way but no matter what happens, promise yourself to not kiss dating goodbye.
How we wished there´s a magic wand that can give us the love of our lives in just a snap, but the reality is dating requires work. We can´t just sit and wait for the man of our dreams to fall on our lap, we need to do our part. And unless we change how we do things, we can´t expect a different result.