Although you wonder if you´re a good flirt, and you wished the skill is being taught in school, learning how to flirt with a guy naturally is actually possible.
The word “flirt” used to be a dirty word, it was a degrading word; at least that´s how I understood it growing up. If someone was being called a “flirt”, it meant to me that she´s cheap, she has no self-respect, and she´s a woman with no value. I was told that no men would take a flirtatious woman seriously.
So I swore to my young self that I would never, ever be a flirt. I would never let a man know that I liked him. I would make sure that I didn´t smile to men. I would never be an easy-to-get girl.
As a young girl I already knew that I wanted to become a woman with value, a woman that my parents would be proud of, a woman who was NOT a flirt.
So I became such a woman.
I looked aloof and snobbish to everyone, especially to men. I rarely smiled. Frown became my normal expression.
There were many factors that contributed to my default frown, but one of those factors was certainly what my parents have taught me. For example, they said that a respectable woman does not walk on the street grinning or laughing. If a woman does so — regardless if she`s walking with friends — it means that that woman is selling garlic.
“Oh, I didn´t want to sell garlic!” I thought. So I took my parents´ teachings seriously.
(It took me a lot later, already a young adult, to understand what “selling garlic” actually meant.) ;)
But my younger sister was different. She´s one and a half years younger than me and has a jolly personality. She smiled and laughed all the time — to everyone! No amount of scolding and nagging from my parents could stop her from grinning and laughing, which she would do even if she was walking on the street.
Our parents also inculcated in us that as respectable young girls, we should never let a boy know that we had a crush on him. If a boy knew about our feelings for him, he would see us as cheap. A boy, we were told, never likes a girl who shows him that she likes him, well before he does. And what if he didn´t like us the same? What a nightmare it would be!
As always, I took everything that our parents taught us by heart. But my sister broke all the rules.
She had no problem befriending boys. If she´s interested with a boy, she dropped hints. If she knew that a boy she liked was also attracted to her but there were other girls pursuing him, she would fight for that guy.
In high school my sister had a few boyfriends. In college she had several romantic relationships. She got married in her early twenties.
Whereas me, I was already nearing twenty-five and still never had a boyfriend. Never been asked out for a date. Never been kissed.
Thankfully I woke up. I realized that the culprits to my non-existing love life were the rigid rules that my parents imposed on me and my being the good girl who always tried to please her parents.
I had to undo all the obsolete, traditional teachings on flirting and dating that were deeply ingrained in me. I had to learn how to flirt. I had to learn how to attract men.
And I did.
Looking back, I wondered about the relationships that could have been had I learned to put on a flirty hat and a feminine attitude early. But it´s better late than never, right? Changing how I saw flirting (as a good thing), and actually putting on the hard work to undoing the wrong mindset I had towards dating, led me to my husband. (I`m so grateful for having him.)
Through researching and experimenting I learned that there are steps you can take to become an elegant flirt, naturally and irresistibly.
1. Get to know you.
If I`ll ask you right now, “How well do you know yourself?” What will be your answer?
I would guess that your answer will depend on where you are right now in life. For example, I knew myself a lot better when I was in my late twenties than when I was in my early twenties. And now in my thirties, I know myself too well that I don´t feel the need to prove myself, or to compete with anyone.
Yet at the same time, there are still remaining mysteries left in me that I am excited to figure out. But this mostly relates to my professional and life goals.
But being me? I´ve come to know myself very well in terms of beauty, attractiveness, sexuality, talents and skills, what I like and what I don´t like, my strengths and my weaknesses, as well as my assets and my liabilities.
How about you?
Getting to know yourself well is important because it will help you identify WHO you want to attract.
Do you want to attract men who are your opposite, or do you prefer men whose personality are similar to yours?
2. Identify your limiting beliefs about yourself.
It´s fascinating how vast and deep are our limiting beliefs about ourselves can be. Left unaddressed, these limiting beliefs will stop us from achieving success in our love life and in other areas in our lives.
I used to believe I was ugly. I thought men were not attracted to me because I wasn´t much to look at. I believed it so much so that whenever a man would respond to my online profile in dating sites, I would describe myself as “someone who´s not much to look at but a hard-working, high-achieving person”.
That self-defeating belief stemmed from my years of being bullied, or being compared to someone prettier.
If someone commented about my slim physique and called me “thin”, it would immediately translate to me as “ugly”. If someone referred to my wavy hair as “curly”, it would also translate to me as “ugly”. I wouldn´t say anything, I would never show to people that I was being offended by their comments, but deep down I`d be crying. (Not that I had anything against curly hair, but my wrong perception was caused by something much deeper than just the nature of a curly hair.)
Step #1 helped me address all my limiting beliefs about myself and to see them clearly as true or false.
I use a simple method to overcome my limiting beliefs — if it´s something that bothers me, I do everything I can to fix it. If I can´t fix it, I will accept and embrace it.
3. Develop a solid confidence.
When it comes to confidence, we´re often told to fake it `till we make it. I used this principle for so long; in fact, along with guts, it has taken me far in life.
But when it comes to having a natural, quiet confidence, the kind of confidence you need when you are in a date so that you don´t sound forced, too eager or too calculated, and that you are your relaxed, comfortable and happy self, faking it can only take you so far.
I have found from experience that self-exploration using step #1 and step #2 will give you a solid self-confidence. It will also help you heal from the wounds of the past.
Being confident from the inside, and being happy with your overall package, are key in being comfortable flirting with men.
4. Adopt a positive mindset about flirting.
As I mentioned in my introduction above, the reason why I didn´t learn how to be flirtatious as a teenager and a young adult was the negative way that my parents defined flirting. They pictured it to me as a bad thing.
But I am here to tell you that flirting is a good thing. In fact, mastering the art of flirting will get you the best things in life whether it´s in your social, professional, dating or marriage life. (You can flirt with anyone, not only towards the opposite sex!)
Learning to flirt with a man will not only help you have a successful dating love life, it will also help you sustain a successful marriage.
“Flirting is the way you communicate to another person that are enjoying yourself and the lucky person you are flirting with.” ~ Tracey Steinberg, Expert Dateologist
Flirting, when done right, is fun!
5. Dress to Flirt
We´re often told to “dress to impress”, right? Well, I say, dress to flirt!
How we dress is how we package ourselves. The better the packaging, the higher value we appear.
“Your appearance talks to you; but it also talks to others. It helps determine what others think of you. People evaluate you on the basis of appearance. Your appearance is the first basis for evaluation other people have.” ~ David J. Schwartz, The Magic of Thinking Big
Have you noticed how, when you´re in a well put-together outfit, you feel good about yourself? Clothes can increase your confidence level, but they can also communicate your being a high value to others.
Opt for styles that are appropriate for your age, complement your skin tone, eye and hair color, and that fit your body shape. Choose clothing that are elegant and good quality, and don´t be afraid to try bold prints and colors.
In fact, if you want to stand out in a sea of black and muted colors, wear bright colors! Men will certainly notice you if you´re wearing a raspberry jacket than if you´re hiding in a black jacket.
Bright colors will make you look more attractive.
6. Maximize the power of smile and eye contact.
How you use your eyes tell men a lot about you. Making eye contact communicates that you are confident, honest, and not afraid of them.
Making eye contact, coupled with a sexy, friendly smile, will communicate to men that you are available and that it´s safe for them to approach you.
When it comes to being approached by men, looks aren´t everything, but eye contact and smile are everything. What I mean is that, do you know many women who are good looking but are rarely approached by men? And do you know some women who aren´t exactly stunning but are simultaneously approached by men?
I know many women from my university days who are high-achieving and beautiful souls from inside and out, but are still single in their late thirties. I know that they are very rarely approached by men. I know too that all they ever wanted is to find true love.
So what´s the problem? I believe it´s their lack of flirting skills. Using smile and eye contact can be their most powerful flirting technique to men.
So how exactly should you use eye contact?
Wherever you are – in your favorite grocery store, in the gym, or at the train station – scan your environment and look for a man that you are attracted to. Aim him right at the eyes and wait for him to catch your look. Once you´ve made the eye contact, smile, hold his eyes for about three seconds, and then look down.
Most likely, that man will smile back. And if he´s available, he will approach you.
Note: If that guy smiled back but didn´t approach you, it only means that he´s not available. It´s not about you. But if he didn´t smile back at all, maybe he´s got a poor vision and should be wearing eyeglasses? Again, it´s not about you. So don´t let it affect your confidence.)
7. Be comfortable initiating new contact with men.
I grew up being repeatedly taught the tradition that as a woman, I should never initiate contact with men. But now I would say that not only should you initiate contact, you should also feel comfortable doing it.
There are two reasons why you should be doing more of the initiating.
A. You are unapproachable. As a high-achieving chic, you may appear too busy and unapproachable to men. Are you juggling many things at once? Are your eyes always fixed on your phone checking emails and social media updates when you´re out and about? Do you have time to look on people in the eyes and smile?
B. Men approach women less. If you google “MGTOW”, you will find numerous articles about “Men Going Their Own Way”. It seems to be a growing community of straight men swearing off women because they see no incentives in dating women and having committed relationships with women because they find the system to favor women to the detriment of men, e.g. “double standards in gender roles, bias against men in family courts, lack of concern for men falsely accused of rape and lack of consequences for their accusers.”
Add to that the modern feminists who are endlessly fighting for gender equality but seem to be more engrossed with their anger towards men and are set to destroy them.
These two things should be more than enough to encourage you to initiate contact with men.
But initiating contact with men is not only a way for you to adapt to this dating crisis, more importantly it is to give you the power to choose who to attract and date.
If you just wait for men to approach you, you will only react to those men who picked you (you may or may not be interested with those men). But if you also do the picking, you expand your options and include more men that you are actually attracted to.
You can apply this step both online — dating sites and social media (random profiles of men or friends of friends?) — and offline.
8. You flirt, he chases.
So how does initiating new contact with men work? By you flirting with him first, and then he chasing you.
But how do you get a guy to chase you in the first place?
1. Attract his attention.
Smile and eye contact will attract his attention, but you should add to them the following attention-attracting magnets.
- Chat Makers. This is something you already have, like a fabulous hair, or something you carry or wear, that will allow a guy to start a conversation with you. Examples are a piece of stunning jewelry, a pair of gorgeous high heels, an attention-grabbing belt, or a killer bag.
- Bright Colors. A red dress, hot pink, or striking bold prints!
- A Striking Packaging. Hair that has movement, shiny, with at least some length. Wear makeup. (I personally prefer an au natural look when it comes to makeup, and thankfully my husband prefers it too.)
2. Capture his attention.
If you´ve entered a room and you command attention, he will approach you.
But if he´s alone in a park engrossed in his phone, or busy picking up groceries at a store, or dining alone in a restaurant, or doing his workout at a gym, go ahead and talk to him.
Start by asking a question. For example, if he´s working out at the same gym where you go, ask him for advice on how you can tone your arms. Ask him for techniques and if he can show you some routines.
While he is giving you tips and advice, introduce yourself. Say, “This is so much fun! Oh, by the way I`m Glee. And you are?
3. Escape his attention.
After he showed you some routines, and you genuinely had fun, tell him, “I´d love to do this again next time. If you´re free, here´s my number …
Note: If you´re not comfortable giving him your number, you can mention the name of the company where you work, or the name of a common friend. If he´s interested, he will dig for your number. (But why make it more difficult?)
Don´t get his number. You don´t want to do the first call. You want him to call you first so that he´s the one doing the chase.
Don´t ask him out for a date. Your job is to initiate contact and flirt with him first, give him your number so that he will have a way to contact you, but it´s his job to ask you for a first date.
Don´t let yourself get emotionally entangled at this point. Don´t wait for his call. You´ve done a great job, now your focus is to flirt with the next attractive guy. The more interested guys ask you out for a date, the better.
Being a naturally, elegant flirt means that you´re not shy and awkward around men. You are confident and charming. You´re not afraid to initiate contact with the men you´re attracted to. But you are irresistibly attractive to the men you like if after you flirted with them, you let them chase you.