If you keep on attracting unserious men who just want to sleep with you and not commit, it´s time to examine your rules, standards and self-respect.
Hi, thank you for the free eBooks. My question is why do I attract unserious guys who just want to sleep with me and not commit to a relationship? ~ Miss L.
Did you know that men classify women into two types? They see you as either a keeper or a throwback.
If they see you as a keeper, then to them you´re one of the type of women that men want to marry. If they´re at the stage where they still want to explore and not ready to settle, they will avoid you.
They know that if they try to mess up with you, the only thing they´ll get is rejection. And men are afraid of rejection, so they won´t even try to waste your time.
But if they see you as a throwback, then they´re very eager to pursue you until they get the treat. They will love playing games with you. They will enjoy you, but they won´t commit to you.
They will try to make you feel and think like they´re into you, but the moment you give them the only thing that they really wanted, they’re quick to disappear. Or at most, once they´re tired of the cookie.
Note: It´s important to mention that not all men are players or users. While many men are sports fishing, there are also many quality men who are seeking for serious or committed relationship and are not interested to sports fish.
And guess what? Men classify you even from a distance. If the sports fishers smell that you´re a throwback, they´ll approach you. And the moment you open your mouth, what comes out of it will confirm whether or not their assessment of you is correct.
But many throwback women are like you, they don´t know what they do or say that make them attract sports fishers.
What Type of Girlfriend Are You?
It´s important to know your personality type in relationships so you will have an idea what type of guy suits you best.
Many throwback women are actually dying for a serious, committed relationship, even marriage. And truth be told, they will make wonderful partners, even mothers. But why is it that the very thing that they so want — commitment is always elusive to them?
Why Do I Attract Unserious Men?
Even a “keeper” will attract unserious men once in a while. We´ll call these unserious men “sports fishers”, a term coined by Steve Harvey. But a keeper can quickly tell if a man is sports fishing. She won´t bother waiting for him to do it right with her, she is brave and quick to walk away.
But if you´re always attracting men who are not serious and are unwilling to commit, men who only want to sleep with you, it may be because your actions and words suggest that you are easy.
You don´t know how to control the things that you can control. You don´t have standards or if you do, you don´t communicate them clearly and early. You don´t have any rules, requirements, respect for yourself, or guidelines.
Let me give you an example. A man approached you, did small-talk with you and asked for your number. You gave him your mobile phone and house phone numbers, and as a giveaway you also gave him your email.
The man waited longer than twenty-four hours before calling you. To be exact, he called you three days later.
You were so over-the-moon because an attractive guy just called and asked you out. You sounded so eager over the phone, you can´t wait to see him again. You didn´t realize that a guy who waits for over twenty-four hours is most likely sports fishing.
If he´s genuinely interested on you, he would call you right away. Unless of course he´s a surgeon who had to perform three surgeries in a row.
If you want to be a “keeper” instead of a throwback, you must learn to control what you can control — your image, the way you conduct yourself, the way you let men talk to and approach you — and use that to get the relationship you want.
A keeper also has rules and she communicates them early.
For example, if a guy calls her and asks her if he could pick her up tonight for dinner, she won´t drop everything in her calendar to accommodate him. She will tell him that she does not accept invitations that are not in her calendar, she´s a busy gal.
If he called her at seven to pick her up at ten at night, she´ll decline because she does not accept last-minute notices (this may become flexible for couples in a committed relationship). She does not accept last minute date offers from strangers or from people who have not yet gained her trust.
So if you´re still on the getting-to-know phase and he already starts inviting you out on the last minute, or whenever it´s convenient to him, then it shows that he has little respect for your time.
A keeper commands respect. But if you let men get away with disrespecting you — such as showing up late — you´re telling them that it´s okay for them to disrespect you, which translates to them that you´re a throwback.
The way you dress, talk and conduct yourself also send clear signals to men.
Examine how you dress. Are you dressed appropriately? Do you have your goodies properly covered while still looking sexy? Or are you scantily clad?
Examine the way you talk and the language you use; is it confident, proper and elegant? Are you able to hold a respectable conversation with a man, his friends and family, or do you usually stammer and unable to construct coherent sentences? Do you curse like you´re one of the men?
Do You Really Want a Committed Relationship?
Based from your question, you imply that you want a committed man. But do you really want to be in a committed relationship?
Sometimes, what people say they want is opposite from what they really want.
For example, a successful career woman said that she wants to be in a committed relationship but she chose to date a man who lives across the globe and who also has a girlfriend.
Be authentic to yourself and ask, do I have commitment issues? Am I scared to be in a committed relationship?
If fear of commitment is your underlying issue, you need to have it dealt with. You may need the help of a professional to really get to the bottom of your fear of commitment issues.
How to Change the Pattern.
Thankfully, this pattern is reversible. You don´t need to sweet-lemon the commitment phobic men or the plain sports fishers.
Since you find yourself falling for the same type of man over and over again, it is helpful to understand why these people are attracted on you.
The following exercises were adapted from marriage therapist Andrew G. Marshall`s book, Are You Right For Me?
- Go through your photo album and choose a picture which seem to encapsulate the personality of every significant man and woman in your life – from your father and mother to the present day. Stretch them out side by side: what are the similarities and what are the patterns?
- Ask yourself the following questions: How did I behave? What did I expect? Did I try too hard to please? Who was in charge? How did I try and solve arguments?
- Identify other ways to be around men/women. If you have sons, this is a great way to learn about men. If you have daughters, this is a great way to learn about women. Do you have any platonic friends of the opposite sex? What about men or female work colleagues? Look for alternative ways of reacting and rehearse in these safe relationships.
- Make subtle changes in your relationship with your parents. For example, rather than resolving to make big changes like “stand on my own two feet”, stand with something more specific. For example, organize your car finance package yourself. Not only are small changes easier to maintain but also the cumulative effect is impressive.
- If your father or mother is dead, or has disappeared, write an imaginary letter telling him or her all your feelings.
These exercises should help you get to know yourself better and get to understand why you keep attracting un-serious men who just want to sleep with you and not commit. The exercises will also help heal your past issues and baggage that may be the root cause of your existing dating patterns.